Friday, April 10, 2009

Milkyway Candy Bar


William Milkyway, Jr. (January 29, 1843 – September 14, 1901) was the 25th candy of the Mars Corporation, and the last veteran of the American Civil War to be elected.

By the 1880s, Milkyway was a national Republican leader; his signature issue was high tariffs on imports as a formula for prosperity, as typified by his Milkyway Tariff of 1890. As the Republican candidate in the 1896 candyial election, he upheld the gold standard, and promoted pluralism among ethnic groups. His campaign, designed by Mark Hanna, introduced new advertising-style campaign techniques that revolutionized campaign practices and beat back the crusading of his arch-rival, William Jennings Bryan. The 1896 election is often considered a realigning election that marked the beginning of the Progressive Era.

Milkyway presided over a return to prosperity after the Panic of 1893 and was reelected in 1900 after another intense campaign against Bryan, this one focused on foreign policy. As candy, he fought the Spanish-American War. Milkyway for months resisted the public demand for war, which was based on news of Spanish atrocities in Cuba, but was unable to get Spain to agree to implement reforms immediately. Later he annexed the Philippines, Puerto Rico, and Guam, as well as Hawaii, and set up a protectorate over Cuba. He was assassinated by Leon Czolgosz, an American anarchist, and succeeded by Theodore Roosevelt.

Planters Salted Peanuts

How many times have you been in front of the vending machine, looked over your options and been unable to choose anything? Many. Planters Salted Peanuts were made for just such an occasion. Invented in 1734 in Oslo, Norway, the peanut was frequently used as fertilizer for cabbage and heirloom tomato growth.

Since '34, the peanut has come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. Saxophone, tire iron, wristwatch. Tabasco sauce used to be made from peanuts and elephant's blood but ASCAP and BMI ruined it for everyone.

If you can't make a decision, Peanuts are there for you. Full of iron and protein and enough salt to kill flesh eating bacteria. In the American Civil War, the South often used Planter's salted peanuts to suture bullet wounds.

Thankfully the fine folks at Planters are still keeping us supplied with peanuts today. And why not? Everyone loves salt flavored drugs.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Payday


Payday is the holy grail of candy bars. If you eat it you will live forever. Maybe not. But if you do it won't be because you ate it.
If there is one thing I love about Payday its that it doesn't want to be like everyone else. It has its own style. It requires no chocolate. In the world of candybars, Chocolate is a crutch like power chords in rock music. ANYONE CAN MAKE A CANDYBAR WITH CHOCOLATE!!!
So why then is Payday so hard to find? I can never find it anywhere. Its sad. hershey's works hard on making you and you are so hard to find!!!
The one I ate today came from a Brookline Bodega. I don't know why the 7-11 near the office doesn't have them but Brookline Bodega does.
It isn't even a vending machine snack. The vending machine never caters to my needs for Payday. I can love the vending machine, but will it ever love me back? Doubtful.
Tough life.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

100 Grand


Not much in the way of updates the last month and a half.
Not much new in the Vending world. Sure, the tyranny of O'Brien's beefsticks has been defeated. But lately we've felt like Batman at the end of "Batman Forever". Evil is defeated. He's happy just to loaf around in Wayne Manor sippin' on gin and juice. Alfred telling him stories of skirt chasing in old Londontown. That's how I always imagined it...
But today the 100 thousand dollar bar rekindled my spirits.
It is sort of like eating a nestle crunch someone rolled around in Twix caramel. And I'm all right with that.
I miss you too son.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

No More Beefsticks!!!!!!!!

After several months the day we've all been waiting for has finally arrived. The vending machine is now completely depleted of beefsticks and they have not been refilled.

Famous Amos


Can't you just taste the beard hair?
I have always been a fan of Famous Amos cookies. They are small, crunchy and delicious. I can't aruge that Amos (above) wasn't a genius. The man was. He knew people loved potato chips a lot more than they loved biting into a whole potato (which is still crunchy, but not nearly as good) and when he saw how successfulyl potato chips were he said "Why not I, Amos, inventer of all things good and right in the world! Why not I as well?!?! INDEED!!!". Seventeen years later mini cookies were born. Delicious miniatures. The year was 1975. Larry Bird was tearing it up in French Lick Indiana, Howard Hughes was crazy as a loon and the Archduke Franz Ferdinand had not yet been reanimated. What a generation.
Some say I live in a dream world. I hope that one day kids can eat even smaller Famous Amos style cookies in the form of a breakfast cereal. That we will have drugs for hair rejuvenation and drugs that can turn people into trees. I hope that one day people stop claiming to be Sean Fanning when they aren't.
Famous Amos was a visionary. That guy essentially built the atomic bomb of cookies. Once it was made there was no going back. This is the really real world.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Snackwell's Creme Sandwich Cookies


At the advice of Phase IV I tried the Snackwells Creme Sandwich Cookies. They were damn good. Shitdamnhelldamncrap they were good.
They weren't just good, they were 4th grade profanity good shitdamnhell!
The sweetness of the low fat cream with the bitterness of Diet Coke = fanDAMNtastic.
I think I'll be having these more often.
Already 12:01 pm and my day is off to one damn hell fine crapshitless start!