Snack OUTBREAK!!!

Three Musketeers Truffle Crisp

2012-01-24T16:20:00.002-05:00

Some Outbreakers recently tried the Three Musketeer's Truffle Crisp bar. They have noted the following things:

1) It has air in it so that rich people eat it.
2) Everyone is on fire.
3) The Marketing is fire-based and devastatingly poisonous.
4) Crispy(?) BUT NOT ENOUGH FOR SOME.
5) Jaundice.

Also, WHY ARE THERE FOUR OF THEM? And what the hell is wrong with Keifer Sutherland's hair?

The true origins of Three Musketeers Truffle Crisp will never be explained. Some say social scientist Arlo Guthrie stumbled upon a recipe in a boxcar in Detroit while searching for a fish bone for dinner. Damn if he didn't have cookie, nougat, chocolate and plastic packaging in his back pocket that he had used previously as kindling for the boxcar fires he warmed his hands upon.

A legend(?) was(?) born(declarative).

Whenever you eat a Three Musketeers Truffle Crisp bar, you appreciate Twix for what it is, sharp, pointy, jagged, sticky, like Alanis Morissette in 1995. Then you remember that Truffle Crisp is none of those things. It's airy, soft and lacking creativity, like Alanis Morissette in 2005 when she re-recorded Jagged Little Pill acoustically exclusively for Starbucks.

In short, no one cares.

Dollar Slot Broken. Hearts next.

2011-12-30T17:21:00.000-05:00

Few thins break a young man's heart as much as a broken dollar slot. Some of them include: pregnancy scares, nuclear winter, castration, being fired, having food poisoning and poi (side note, don't misspell "Poi" as "Poy" and do an image search at work. They should really do some kind of web-filtering. Sweet Jesus).

But a broken dollar slot is a fate worse than any of the above almost (but not really), as it promises to make one's trek to a vending machine futile.

Who carries change aside from drifters and those who supply drifters with change? Not I. Not I.

When the dollar slot is broken, the universe is telling you not to eat unhealthy foods. Perhaps. Or perhaps it is saying something more.

That you will one day break down. That your heart is made of glass like that Blondie song or that your stomach will not be quenched with empty calories and endless chewing.

True fact,t he average vending machine snack requires 3,000 more chews than a salad. Unless it is a snail salad. Snail salad requires more chews than Charleston Chew. When I went to Charleston, South Carolina, I walked around with a Charleston Chew in my hand the whole time and pointed and winked at strangers as I took bites. No one winked back. They wore suits though. Same thing.

Anyway...what's the point.

The Atlantic Ocean. Delicious and Crescent Shaped.

2011-12-29T07:41:00.000-05:00

There are some snacks too large for the confines of an office vending machine. Sure, they may fit in an over-sized specialty vending machine from Hong Kong, they may fit into one of those Cadillac shaped dolphin spaceships from 2342, but THEY DON'T FIT HERE NOW.

The Atlantic Ocean is one such snack. It is sometimes broken up into two parts; the crispy, chocolatey North Atlantic Ocean and the nougaty and and salty South Atlantic Ocean.

Whatever your preference, the Atlantic Ocean is large enough to satisfy even the hungriest trucker or husker (note: if your job title does not end in "er", please do not eat the Atlantic Ocean).

The Atlantic Ocean came about in 456 B.C. when Ira Glass said to Lander T. Williams "I want something to eat between lunch and dinner that is full of millions of creatures and a salty, almost disgusting liquid". Lander T. Williams, being the mythical and fierce creator he was agreed that a snack of that nature would be as irresistible as it would be indispensable.

In addition to the Atlantic Ocean and everything within it, Lander T. Williams also created Jupiter, the telescope, the iPad 4, the once semi-popular videogame Pitfall and the rabies vaccination that day. He was a prodigious inventor of great girth.

Ira Glass was the first human to eat the Atlantic Ocean as a snack. At the time his title was "broadcaster".

Who will be next?

Eating Ryan Gosling

2011-12-28T17:07:00.002-05:00

There are some snacks that spoil your dinner.

Eating Ryan Gosling is more of a question of logistics than anything else.

Where should one start?

His piercing blue eyes? His perfectly messy hair? His beard that is to die for? Those juicy abs?

Ryan Gosling was created by the Mars Corporation as a way to market candy to women of all ages. Some would argue he's been too successful as a marketing tool. His perfect blend of sweet and salty skin, his chocolaty bone-bark? To die for.

Whenever I eat Ryan Gosling, I plan on skipping dinner. It would be foolish to assume one's appetite would desire anything more than Ryan Gosling. Once you've tasted Gosling, the thought of tacos for dinner seems preposterous.

I always start with the earlobes, an often overlooked (and perfectly symmetrical!) portion of Ryan Gosling. They are fleshy and ripe and often share a certain earthiness found in game animals.

I gurgle with Nyquil as a palate cleanser before I move on to Ryan Gosling's juicy thighs. They have a puffed crunch often associated with Nestle, but I feel truly perfected in Mars Corporation Presents: Ryan Gosling.

By the time I eat both thighs, I'm sweating and crying on the floor from sheer joy.

I know eating Ryan Gosling is controversial. Some critics have argued that one Ryan Gosling could feed the people of an impoverished village for days.

There's just something so decadent about Gosling. Knowing that it's wrong...it makes it oh so right...

Thumbtacks. The freshmaker.

2011-12-27T17:12:00.002-05:00

Some people think that eating parsley after a meal will help make their breath not smell like onions and dead animal flesh. This is a myth. The Mayans proved it in 1957 (the very same year they created the original theme park: tortureland in South Carolina) by forcing thousands of seagulls to eat the remnants of baby diapers and then parsley. The parsley did not improve the baby shit breath of the seagulls. They were still birds. But thumbtacks? Well, when a control group of seagulls were fed thumbtacks, they died instantly and their breath was of no concern.

This experiment was a watershed moment for the modern American vending machine.

Americans eat more thumbtacks per year than any other civilization. I would add a footnote to that fact if there were any point in arguing its validity. Simply put, from Arkansas to Texarkana, Americans love Thumbtacks. The sharp taste, the bloody aftertaste, the broken teeth and the gasping for air are what we are known for.

In the vending machine here, you can order thumb tacks or their flat-chested cousin, push pins.

There are some things worth eating. And others worth avoiding. Thumbtacks certainly fall into one of those categories.

Gorilla Glue Tastes FOUL

2010-06-02T13:44:00.000-04:00

Out of all of the things I've eaten out of machines, Gorilla Glue is far and away the least tasty.

It has a heavy, syrupy texture that goes down like a bucket of nails.

And digesting this stuff? Nearly impossible.

I haven't moved my bowels in years.

I don't recommend it at all. But when I was in Beijing for the Olympics with my good friend Kyle Jefferey, we did as the natives do so to speak. It was not nearly as tasty as they made it look but we each drank a few sifters just to show that we Dutch are no shriveling prunes.

Well, after seventeen rounds of grain alcohol and an all night shoe tying competition with a hat peddler, Jefferey and I both decided that some things are better left to men far better than us. Like welding and counting frozen vegetables in a factory.

Oh Gorilla Glue. I love you like George Washington loved the television programme Trading Spaces.

Goat Cheese. New Mexico's Staple Food.

2010-05-27T23:34:00.002-04:00

Goat Cheese? From a vending machine? What are you an idiot? Why would you eat it?

Settle down Virginia. Those of us from New Mexico know that there is only one true staple food of the Canadian Southeast: Goat Cheese.

It comes in a wrapper made of paper towels. It tastes good on sandwiches or in jerky format.

You can use it as a weapon. When the war begins.

Goat cheese has been a prevalent fact of New Mexican cuisine since Hugh Grant first opened his 4 star eatery Les Beast in Tempe in 1954. If you come down to New Mexico the first thing I'll give you is a hug. The second thing I'll give you is a diaper. The third thing I'll give you is a glass of salt water. The fourth thing I'll give you is a hug. The fifth thing I'll give you is a diaper. The sixth thing I'll give you is a wet towel. The seventh thing I'll give you is a sailboat. The eighth thing I'll give you is a glass of fresh water. The ninth thing I'll give you is a block of goat cheese. The tenth thing I'll give you is a hug. The eleventh thing I'll give you is a diaper. The sixteenth thing I'll give you is the key to my house. The twenty third thing I'll give you is a typewriter. The twenty fourth thing I'll give you is a glass of urine. The ninety-third thing I'll give you is some ice for your black eye. The two hundred and third thing I'll give you is good reason to leave this place and never return.

Hershey's with almonds

2010-05-09T15:20:00.001-04:00

You've eaten the rest. You fat piece of shit.

ALL THAT'S LEFT IN THE GODDAMN VENDING MACHINE IS A FUCKING HERSHEY'S BAR?

REALLY?

JESUS, MAN!

Well, fear not my pudgy friend. Hershey's bars are more fun than scooters, fall and vacation combined!

Alfred Hitchcock invented Hershey's chocolate as a way to unwind after a month long cocaine binge. The chocolate was a healthier alternative to cocaine and hunting humans for sport (as Hitchcock was known to do in eastern Europe in the mid-1980's).

With investments from Michael Phelps and Gloria Estefan in 1421, the Hershey cooperation soared. Like eagles.

Scholar athletes all over America still consider the Hershey's Milk Chocolate With Almonds bar to be the greatest artistic achievement in mankind's long and scandalous history.

Eat one if you want to taste what helped George Lopez get a television show or the reason why standardized testing is prevalent all over this greatest nation of candies. Don't eat one if you have a nut allergy though. Unless you're trying to die. Then you can eat one assuming the death risk you are taking. Moron.

Planter's Trail Mix Can Save Your Life

2010-05-03T13:14:00.004-04:00

How many times have you been walking through the woods picking up little rocks and pieces of tree bark and bugs and eating them by the handful thinking to yourself 'my, this is all so delicious but I wish there was some way I could find my way back to the camper where my step-parents are making me a baby brother!'????

Now, thanks to Planter's Trail Mix, there is an easier way than patiently following the moans in the distance!

Simply buy a bag, open the bag, and pour it all over the forest!

In addition to helping you find your way back home, you can also use it as a pillow for those long overnight expeditions where your parents tell you not to come back until you have a real job and aren't sitting int heir basement writing about nothing on some stupid blog about candy all day I hate you dad....

Juicy Fruit Pest Removal

2010-04-30T10:00:00.004-04:00

Juicy Fruit Pest Removal was a company my father Walter William Stryker IV started in 207 B.C.

It specialized in bribery and barberry.

I never said I was proud of my roots.

By daddy was no Charleston. No Jamestown either.

He would use wooden and steel piano legs to chase cockroaches up and down the Honolulu city square. When he caught them he would bash them into the surf with brute force the likes of which even Vin Diesel has never perfected!

When he was done pummeling insects he would chew on their flesh in front of their families to say "I AM JUICY FRUIT PEST REMOVAL BOW BEFORE MY THRONE".

The chewing gum is a delicious mix of latex and fruit flavorings.

My father would be turning in his grave if he were deceased fortunately thanks to time travel and the tree of life he has nothing to worry about.

Doritos. The Cold Hard Facts.

2010-04-29T12:53:00.000-04:00

The spelling of "Flavour" on this bag of Doritos is curious.

I've known many curious people in my day. Jules Verne. Roger Staubach. Paul Landry.

But none of the above are as curious as a tasty bag of Doritos.

Six facts about Doritos:

1 - They are sprinkled with ground angels wings for preservation as well as flavour.

2 - There are over 2.7 million varieties of Dorito.

3 - People think they are made of corn. Wrong. They are made of the broken hopes and dreams of 20-something social workers.

4 - See fact 3.

5 - I endorse them as insulation as well as dinner.

6 - Francis Bacon was high all the time.

Twizzlers; Better Than Air

2010-04-27T12:40:00.004-04:00

I am not a well-traveled man. I've only been 7 places, Detroit, Moscow, Under the Atlantic ocean, The Earth's Core, Alaska, Scott Baio's house and the Greater Boston Area.

In my limited travel experience I've often wondered, "WHAT DOT HEY BREATHE IN PITTSBURGH? SURELY IT CANNOT BE THE SAME OXYGEN I HAVE BEFORE ME? CAN IT? CAN IT POSSIBLY BE!?!?!?!"

From what I have heard from no one, in Pittsburgh they breathe Twizzlers and the streets are lined with Cat feces and pet rocks.

How does one breathe a Twizzler you ask? Why not ask Ben Roethlisberger? Oh, he's currently assaulting? Do you have any idea when he'll be back?

Twizzlers were created in 1327 as a way for French farmers to keep their daughters celibate and commit them to nunnerys. The idea often worked exactly as planned and this is why to this day there are still millions of French nuns.

Around the 1600's, King Louis XVII introduced them as a delicious meat substitute and they have been popular with skinny hipsters ever since.

Twizzlers, the flavor that lasts for seconds at a time!

Milkyway Candy Bar

2009-04-10T16:48:00.006-04:00

William Milkyway, Jr. (January 29, 1843 – September 14, 1901) was the 25th candy of the Mars Corporation, and the last veteran of the American Civil War to be elected.

By the 1880s, Milkyway was a national Republican leader; his signature issue was high tariffs on imports as a formula for prosperity, as typified by his Milkyway Tariff of 1890. As the Republican candidate in the 1896 candyial election, he upheld the gold standard, and promoted pluralism among ethnic groups. His campaign, designed by Mark Hanna, introduced new advertising-style campaign techniques that revolutionized campaign practices and beat back the crusading of his arch-rival, William Jennings Bryan. The 1896 election is often considered a realigning election that marked the beginning of the Progressive Era.

Milkyway presided over a return to prosperity after the Panic of 1893 and was reelected in 1900 after another intense campaign against Bryan, this one focused on foreign policy. As candy, he fought the Spanish-American War. Milkyway for months resisted the public demand for war, which was based on news of Spanish atrocities in Cuba, but was unable to get Spain to agree to implement reforms immediately. Later he annexed the Philippines, Puerto Rico, and Guam, as well as Hawaii, and set up a protectorate over Cuba. He was assassinated by Leon Czolgosz, an American anarchist, and succeeded by Theodore Roosevelt.

Planters Salted Peanuts

2009-04-10T12:11:00.003-04:00

How many times have you been in front of the vending machine, looked over your options and been unable to choose anything? Many. Planters Salted Peanuts were made for just such an occasion. Invented in 1734 in Oslo, Norway, the peanut was frequently used as fertilizer for cabbage and heirloom tomato growth.

Since '34, the peanut has come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. Saxophone, tire iron, wristwatch. Tabasco sauce used to be made from peanuts and elephant's blood but ASCAP and BMI ruined it for everyone.

If you can't make a decision, Peanuts are there for you. Full of iron and protein and enough salt to kill flesh eating bacteria. In the American Civil War, the South often used Planter's salted peanuts to suture bullet wounds.

Thankfully the fine folks at Planters are still keeping us supplied with peanuts today. And why not? Everyone loves salt flavored drugs.

Payday

2008-05-30T13:25:00.002-04:00

Payday is the holy grail of candy bars. If you eat it you will live forever. Maybe not. But if you do it won't be because you ate it.

If there is one thing I love about Payday its that it doesn't want to be like everyone else. It has its own style. It requires no chocolate. In the world of candybars, Chocolate is a crutch like power chords in rock music. ANYONE CAN MAKE A CANDYBAR WITH CHOCOLATE!!!

So why then is Payday so hard to find? I can never find it anywhere. Its sad. hershey's works hard on making you and you are so hard to find!!!

The one I ate today came from a Brookline Bodega. I don't know why the 7-11 near the office doesn't have them but Brookline Bodega does.

It isn't even a vending machine snack. The vending machine never caters to my needs for Payday. I can love the vending machine, but will it ever love me back? Doubtful.

Tough life.

100 Grand

2008-05-28T10:41:00.000-04:00

Not much in the way of updates the last month and a half.

Not much new in the Vending world. Sure, the tyranny of O'Brien's beefsticks has been defeated. But lately we've felt like Batman at the end of "Batman Forever". Evil is defeated. He's happy just to loaf around in Wayne Manor sippin' on gin and juice. Alfred telling him stories of skirt chasing in old Londontown. That's how I always imagined it...

But today the 100 thousand dollar bar rekindled my spirits.

It is sort of like eating a nestle crunch someone rolled around in Twix caramel. And I'm all right with that.

I miss you too son.

No More Beefsticks!!!!!!!!

2008-04-23T13:51:00.000-04:00

After several months the day we've all been waiting for has finally arrived. The vending machine is now completely depleted of beefsticks and they have not been refilled.

Famous Amos

2008-04-23T11:47:00.000-04:00

Can't you just taste the beard hair?

I have always been a fan of Famous Amos cookies. They are small, crunchy and delicious. I can't aruge that Amos (above) wasn't a genius. The man was. He knew people loved potato chips a lot more than they loved biting into a whole potato (which is still crunchy, but not nearly as good) and when he saw how successfulyl potato chips were he said "Why not I, Amos, inventer of all things good and right in the world! Why not I as well?!?! INDEED!!!". Seventeen years later mini cookies were born. Delicious miniatures. The year was 1975. Larry Bird was tearing it up in French Lick Indiana, Howard Hughes was crazy as a loon and the Archduke Franz Ferdinand had not yet been reanimated. What a generation.

Some say I live in a dream world. I hope that one day kids can eat even smaller Famous Amos style cookies in the form of a breakfast cereal. That we will have drugs for hair rejuvenation and drugs that can turn people into trees. I hope that one day people stop claiming to be Sean Fanning when they aren't.

Famous Amos was a visionary. That guy essentially built the atomic bomb of cookies. Once it was made there was no going back. This is the really real world.

Snackwell's Creme Sandwich Cookies

2008-04-07T11:55:00.000-04:00

At the advice of Phase IV I tried the Snackwells Creme Sandwich Cookies. They were damn good. Shitdamnhelldamncrap they were good.

They weren't just good, they were 4th grade profanity good shitdamnhell!

The sweetness of the low fat cream with the bitterness of Diet Coke = fanDAMNtastic.

I think I'll be having these more often.

Already 12:01 pm and my day is off to one damn hell fine crapshitless start!

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

2008-04-04T09:25:00.000-04:00

My prayers have been answered. after several excruciating weeks without Reese's in the 6th floor lunchroom, we now finally have the greatest candy ever invented back. Not only are they back, but I believe we are the only establishment in the greater Boston metro area to have the coveted "Large Size." We are all familiar with the standard 2 pack of Reese's, which is nice but sometimes leaves you craving more. The King Size, whoaaaaa, thats too much delicious chocolate peanut butter goodness for me. The Large Size though, perfect. It is so rare in fact that I had a pretty hard time finding a picture in my google image search. I could only find this one, which is clearly packaging for the European market.

What makes the Reeses' Peanut Butter cup so good. I don't know, but I'm glad to have it back

Skittles - The Insane Cousin of M & M's.

2008-04-03T11:39:00.000-04:00

What a day.

Its been several days. Vending has gone haywire. In spite of my request for Payday in exchnage for O'Brien's beef sticks, the beef sitcks were traded for Skittles. Horrible. Not the Skittles, they are all right by me, the fact that my request was not honored. I have decided I will eat only Payday candybars for the rest of my life. Starting now.

Its been years since I've had the pleasure of tasting the rainbow. I forgot how good these things were. Nothing like Horse parts mixed with sugar and food coloring. Delicious.

Also, they come in 5 distinct flavors. I just made myself an Orange-Lime cocktail. Wonderful.

Really, Skittles take all of the good things about good jelly beans and subtract all the bad things and put it in an M & M style shell. Amazing.

Also, for a 2.17 oz bag, it is full. Very full.

I want some Spree.

Almond Joy

2008-03-31T11:31:00.000-04:00

Near noon hunger strikes and I reach for the Almnd Joy. It was fantastic. Once I saw a special on the Food Network about Almond Joy and how its made. Ironically not on the Discovery Channel show "How Its Made". Anyway, they get some coconut and some almonds and some chocolate and neatly put them together. Not the most thrilling TV special ever. However....

A lot of people detest coconut. Many of my friendly coworkers moods go from happy to brutally enraged whenever the (fruit? nut? rock?) is mentioned. One time I stole a coconut (from my college dining hall...not from a store...that's wrong....if its in a dining hall you technically paid for it already). It was the week the Red Sox were in the ALCS (2003) and I was planning on eating it as a celebration coconut. But Grady Little and Pedro Martinez happened and I instead threw it out of a sixth story window. My point being, coconut is a fickle F.N.R. (fruitnutrock). Its pretty one day, gone the next and I undertsand why some people are sour on it. Sure, it takes 18 minutes to chew, once you chew the flavor off of it its like eating plastic, it has a strange texture, and it occassionally jinxes the Boston Red Sox. Fine. But its delicate. When I eat coconut I think that it is the food of the future. One day we'll all be eating plastic (what else are we gonna do with all of it?) and I figure you might as well start to enjoy it now. So coat it in some chocolate and add two almonds to it AND DIG IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But while I'm on the subject of the two almonds, why? Why only two? I would prefer an Alomnd rich experience.

Exciting prospect, there might be an O'Brien's beef stick buyout this week. Which one would only hope could lead to better snacks for all.

YES WE CAN!

Stacy's Parmesan Garlic & Herb Pita Chips

2008-03-28T10:46:00.000-04:00

Sick sick Friday.

I broke code today and dialed the vending company to request Payday.

Additionally, O'Brien's Beef Sticks have taken over my floor. They are now in the second row. scary.

Pita Chips. Back again. I love them, even though the bag is 74% air. I call that the B/A.P. (Bag/Air Percentage). In a normal snack chip the bag is only around 57% air. Which means these pita chips have a substantially higher B/A.P. Are they worth it? Is this a vending machine blog?

They go great with Diet Coke. Its like they were meant to be together. True love. When eating them together I refer to the Pita Chips as Romeo and the Diet Coke as Juliet. Unfortunately, lately the vending machine has gotten all Capulet on my steez and made it nearly impossible to unite these young lovers. They are together now, in harmony, in a futile tastebud party. They are not meant to be together permanantly, as one comes in an air tight bag and the other in an aluminum can.

And Trans Fat Free!!

York Peppermint Pattie

2008-03-26T11:23:00.000-04:00

Wednesday morning. 10:45 a.m. Went for the York Peppermint Pattie, which is low in fat (70% lower!....lower than what, I couldn't tell you). Its been too long.

The silver packaging makes it look special. I sincerely believe that. Its not just any candy, no no. Its a York. Damn straight! I got the sensation!

I think almost anything looks good in silver packaging. Look at the Oakland Raiders for example. horrible team, stupid organization, but they always look good. Its the silver. I know my critics will argue if this whole silver packaging thing is truethen why didn't anyone go see "Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer", I'll tell you why, because it looked horrible. And they didn't have a cross promotion with York Peppermint Pattie.

Today was vending machine maintenance day and it looks like in addition to adding York Peppermint Pattie back into my life, they have also added Snackwells cookie sandwich and Oreo six packs. I applaud the vending machine workers for adding conflict to my daily life. The Snackwells is low fat, the Oreo is...an Oreo...One is light, one is dark...the drama is astounding!

The York Peppermint Pattie is sweet and exciting. Its chewy and satisfying. It's sort of like a low fat minty Reese's cup. But even more chewy. However, it does not go well with Diet Coke, and that is a near fatal flaw in my eyes.

You know what does go well with Diet Coke? Stacy's Pita Chips. The machine is fixed. People all over the office are rejoicing.

York was a pleasant surprise. I'm sure we'll meet again.

Kelloggs Mixed Berry Fruity Snacks

2008-03-26T10:27:00.001-04:00

The story of fruit snacks and their impact on society and culture may never be fully understood. Most scientists attribute the origin of the fruit snack to Charles Darwin. It is said that he created the first fruit snack while study turtles in the Galapagos Islands. He found that when you boiled together the livers and tails of various unnamed lizard and then added sugar the mixture would settle into a round red or blue shaped snack. For whatever reason these snacks tended to be shaped like real objects and contained several times the necessary amount of Vitamin C to ward off scurvy. Historiticians have concluded that the most likely cause of the great depression wasn't the repercussions of the industrial revolution, but rather the crippling shortage of fruit snacks available to city dwellers (due to the abundance of lizards in the rural areas there was no shortage) Its is also said that Albert Einstein thought of his famous theory of relativity while chewing on fruit snacks. In fact early versions of the theory revolved more around the speed of flavor being constant than the speed of light. Fruit snacks have had such a glorious and substantive history that it would be difficult to list everywhere they've had an impact.

Though the history of fruit snacks is always interesting it isn't entirely necessary for this analysis of the fruit snacks in our vending machine. The bag of fruit snacks weighs in at a hefty 2.5 oz which makes it one of the best values in the machine (popcorn still holds the record). Inside the bag is a mixture of raspberry, strawberry and blueberry shaped and flavored fruit snacks. In my opinion there are two main parameters that make a fruit snack delicious. The first and most obvious is flavor. The second, and in my opinion the more important, is the consistency.We could debate forever about which one of the flavors is best (rapsberry), but I think that this review should really be of the snack as a whole and not its individual components. The flavors of any individual piece of fruit snack is fruity and delicious. The flavor of all three mixed together can at times be a bit overwhelming for one's senses. Every bite has a the nice combinations of fruitiness and sweetness. The snacks are reminiscence of both a delicious piece of fruit and a satisfying candy.

The consistency of fruit snacks is often overlooked or ignored, but its really what makes the candy fun to eat. Fruit snacks can range in constancy from hard snacks that are very difficult to chew and often become stuck to your teeth to overly soft snacks that quickly dissolve in your mouth before you are satisfied. The trick is to find the spot in the middle that is ideal. Without question the best conistency fruit snack in history is the great white shark fruit snack found in Shark Bites. When biting down on it there is a nice resistance that makes you aware that you are eating something but doesn't get in the way of enjoying it. A truly good fruit snack should have the same feel a slightly undercooked piece of al dente pasta. As you squeeze one between your teeth you first feel the snack compress in the middle and spread out to the sides. As you continue biting down you reach a critical point where the internal tension in the fruit snack is too high and it tears in half. These Mixed Berry Fruity Snacks are do have a very fine consistency but they do not quite live up to The Great White. They are soft at times such that I find myself eating them just a bit too fast and not slowly enjoying them like I would prefer.

Kit Kat Extra

2008-03-25T11:45:00.000-04:00

Tuesday. Nearly noontime. Pita Chips still not functioning. Why is that?

Days like today i wish our vending machines had Payday. I enjoy a Payday. Its salty and has no chocolate and everytime I eat one I think of Bukowski.

But today I purchased what is now called "Kit Kat Extra". it is a large Kit Kat. Essentially it is four of the standard sized bars in one.

A couple of weeks ago, a discussion arose on the 6th floor in regards to the chocolate to crunch ratio of the larger Kit Kat. I can't say I didn't enjoy the Kit Kat Extra, but I will say that the larger than normal amount of chocolate you get per bite is slighlty disconcerting. I refer to this statistic as the C.P.B.O.K.K. (Chocolate Per Bite Of Kit Kat). If the C.P.B.O.K.K. is slightly off, it just doesn't seem like a Kit Kat to me.

Also, the name change. When this Kit Kat was originally introduced it was called "The Big Kat", which at the time was Colorado Rockies Slugger Andrés Galaragga's nickname. Always confusing to me. Did I want to eat Andrés Galaragga? Did he have a delicious chocolate to crunch ratio? I doubt it. So maybe the name was fitting.

Tomorrow is vending machine maintenance day and so, I will leave notes requesting the Pita Chips and Cheetos slots are fixed and also making a special request for Paydays in the future.

T.G.I. Friday's Potato Skins

2008-03-24T13:39:00.000-04:00

Monday. 12:15 p.m.

You get through the morning with only one Diet Coke and you need a pick me up...bad.

You look to the vending machine for grace in the form of Pita Chips. Last week that slot stopped working. Somehow you hoped Friday was a fluke and the pita chips would be restored by Monday. You were wrong.

You scramble for something salty. Something crunchy. Not some subpar potato chip crunch. That might be fine for a Thursday afternoon. But midway through a Monday?!?! "I'd rather eat a bag of cinderblock shavings!!" you think to yourself.

You settle on the T.G.I. Friday's Cheddar Bacon Potato Skins. They taste like bacon bites and have a satisfying crunch. You could have done worse.

Only the bag looks different now. T.G.I. Friday's is no longer a good place to go with friends (due to gangfights and hurricanes) and all you really wanted were some Pita Chips.

You crawl back to your desk in shame.

Introduction

2008-03-24T12:47:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the future.

And by future I mean present.

This is a vending machine. For 50 cents it gives you a reason to keep going.

There are many types of vending machines. The ones here are similar but not quite as new as this one (notice the Dorito bag in this vending machine, which leads me to believe it is from the '89-'94 era).

50 cents buys you something. O'Brien's Beef Sticks, Pita Chips, Candy Bars, Oysters...

Allow me to chronicle the world of vending as I know it.

Also, the image to the left was completely stolen from another blog, so if it disappears, whatever.

This is snacking.

This is OUTBREAK!!!!