The Atlantic Ocean. Delicious and Crescent Shaped.

There are some snacks too large for the confines of an office vending machine. Sure, they may fit in an over-sized specialty vending machine from Hong Kong, they may fit into one of those Cadillac shaped dolphin spaceships from 2342, but THEY DON'T FIT HERE NOW.

The Atlantic Ocean is one such snack. It is sometimes broken up into two parts; the crispy, chocolatey North Atlantic Ocean and the nougaty and and salty South Atlantic Ocean.

Whatever your preference, the Atlantic Ocean is large enough to satisfy even the hungriest trucker or husker (note: if your job title does not end in "er", please do not eat the Atlantic Ocean).

The Atlantic Ocean came about in 456 B.C. when Ira Glass said to Lander T. Williams "I want something to eat between lunch and dinner that is full of millions of creatures and a salty, almost disgusting liquid". Lander T. Williams, being the mythical and fierce creator he was agreed that a snack of that nature would be as irresistible as it would be indispensable.

In addition to the Atlantic Ocean and everything within it, Lander T. Williams also created Jupiter, the telescope, the iPad 4, the once semi-popular videogame Pitfall and the rabies vaccination that day. He was a prodigious inventor of great girth.

Ira Glass was the first human to eat the Atlantic Ocean as a snack. At the time his title was "broadcaster".

Who will be next?

Eating Ryan Gosling

There are some snacks that spoil your dinner.

Eating Ryan Gosling is more of a question of logistics than anything else.

Where should one start?

His piercing blue eyes? His perfectly messy hair? His beard that is to die for? Those juicy abs?

Ryan Gosling was created by the Mars Corporation as a way to market candy to women of all ages. Some would argue he's been too successful as a marketing tool. His perfect blend of sweet and salty skin, his chocolaty bone-bark? To die for.

Whenever I eat Ryan Gosling, I plan on skipping dinner. It would be foolish to assume one's appetite would desire anything more than Ryan Gosling. Once you've tasted Gosling, the thought of tacos for dinner seems preposterous.

I always start with the earlobes, an often overlooked (and perfectly symmetrical!) portion of Ryan Gosling. They are fleshy and ripe and often share a certain earthiness found in game animals.

I gurgle with Nyquil as a palate cleanser before I move on to Ryan Gosling's juicy thighs. They have a puffed crunch often associated with Nestle, but I feel truly perfected in Mars Corporation Presents: Ryan Gosling.

By the time I eat both thighs, I'm sweating and crying on the floor from sheer joy.

I know eating Ryan Gosling is controversial. Some critics have argued that one Ryan Gosling could feed the people of an impoverished village for days.

There's just something so decadent about Gosling. Knowing that it's wrong...it makes it oh so right...

Thumbtacks. The freshmaker.

Some people think that eating parsley after a meal will help make their breath not smell like onions and dead animal flesh. This is a myth. The Mayans proved it in 1957 (the very same year they created the original theme park: tortureland in South Carolina) by forcing thousands of seagulls to eat the remnants of baby diapers and then parsley. The parsley did not improve the baby shit breath of the seagulls. They were still birds. But thumbtacks? Well, when a control group of seagulls were fed thumbtacks, they died instantly and their breath was of no concern.

This experiment was a watershed moment for the modern American vending machine.

Americans eat more thumbtacks per year than any other civilization. I would add a footnote to that fact if there were any point in arguing its validity. Simply put, from Arkansas to Texarkana, Americans love Thumbtacks. The sharp taste, the bloody aftertaste, the broken teeth and the gasping for air are what we are known for.

In the vending machine here, you can order thumb tacks or their flat-chested cousin, push pins.

There are some things worth eating. And others worth avoiding. Thumbtacks certainly fall into one of those categories.

Gorilla Glue Tastes FOUL

Out of all of the things I've eaten out of machines, Gorilla Glue is far and away the least tasty.

It has a heavy, syrupy texture that goes down like a bucket of nails.

And digesting this stuff? Nearly impossible.

I haven't moved my bowels in years.

I don't recommend it at all. But when I was in Beijing for the Olympics with my good friend Kyle Jefferey, we did as the natives do so to speak. It was not nearly as tasty as they made it look but we each drank a few sifters just to show that we Dutch are no shriveling prunes.

Well, after seventeen rounds of grain alcohol and an all night shoe tying competition with a hat peddler, Jefferey and I both decided that some things are better left to men far better than us. Like welding and counting frozen vegetables in a factory.

Oh Gorilla Glue. I love you like George Washington loved the television programme Trading Spaces.

Goat Cheese. New Mexico's Staple Food.

Goat Cheese? From a vending machine? What are you an idiot? Why would you eat it?

Settle down Virginia. Those of us from New Mexico know that there is only one true staple food of the Canadian Southeast: Goat Cheese.

It comes in a wrapper made of paper towels. It tastes good on sandwiches or in jerky format.

You can use it as a weapon. When the war begins.

Goat cheese has been a prevalent fact of New Mexican cuisine since Hugh Grant first opened his 4 star eatery Les Beast in Tempe in 1954. If you come down to New Mexico the first thing I'll give you is a hug. The second thing I'll give you is a diaper. The third thing I'll give you is a glass of salt water. The fourth thing I'll give you is a hug. The fifth thing I'll give you is a diaper. The sixth thing I'll give you is a wet towel. The seventh thing I'll give you is a sailboat. The eighth thing I'll give you is a glass of fresh water. The ninth thing I'll give you is a block of goat cheese. The tenth thing I'll give you is a hug. The eleventh thing I'll give you is a diaper. The sixteenth thing I'll give you is the key to my house. The twenty third thing I'll give you is a typewriter. The twenty fourth thing I'll give you is a glass of urine. The ninety-third thing I'll give you is some ice for your black eye. The two hundred and third thing I'll give you is good reason to leave this place and never return.

Hershey's with almonds

You've eaten the rest. You fat piece of shit.

ALL THAT'S LEFT IN THE GODDAMN VENDING MACHINE IS A FUCKING HERSHEY'S BAR?

REALLY?

JESUS, MAN!

Well, fear not my pudgy friend. Hershey's bars are more fun than scooters, fall and vacation combined!

Alfred Hitchcock invented Hershey's chocolate as a way to unwind after a month long cocaine binge. The chocolate was a healthier alternative to cocaine and hunting humans for sport (as Hitchcock was known to do in eastern Europe in the mid-1980's).

With investments from Michael Phelps and Gloria Estefan in 1421, the Hershey cooperation soared. Like eagles.

Scholar athletes all over America still consider the Hershey's Milk Chocolate With Almonds bar to be the greatest artistic achievement in mankind's long and scandalous history.

Eat one if you want to taste what helped George Lopez get a television show or the reason why standardized testing is prevalent all over this greatest nation of candies. Don't eat one if you have a nut allergy though. Unless you're trying to die. Then you can eat one assuming the death risk you are taking. Moron.

Planter's Trail Mix Can Save Your Life

How many times have you been walking through the woods picking up little rocks and pieces of tree bark and bugs and eating them by the handful thinking to yourself 'my, this is all so delicious but I wish there was some way I could find my way back to the camper where my step-parents are making me a baby brother!'????

Now, thanks to Planter's Trail Mix, there is an easier way than patiently following the moans in the distance!

Simply buy a bag, open the bag, and pour it all over the forest!

In addition to helping you find your way back home, you can also use it as a pillow for those long overnight expeditions where your parents tell you not to come back until you have a real job and aren't sitting int heir basement writing about nothing on some stupid blog about candy all day I hate you dad....