Gorilla Glue Tastes FOUL

Out of all of the things I've eaten out of machines, Gorilla Glue is far and away the least tasty.

It has a heavy, syrupy texture that goes down like a bucket of nails.

And digesting this stuff? Nearly impossible.

I haven't moved my bowels in years.

I don't recommend it at all. But when I was in Beijing for the Olympics with my good friend Kyle Jefferey, we did as the natives do so to speak. It was not nearly as tasty as they made it look but we each drank a few sifters just to show that we Dutch are no shriveling prunes.

Well, after seventeen rounds of grain alcohol and an all night shoe tying competition with a hat peddler, Jefferey and I both decided that some things are better left to men far better than us. Like welding and counting frozen vegetables in a factory.

Oh Gorilla Glue. I love you like George Washington loved the television programme Trading Spaces.

Goat Cheese. New Mexico's Staple Food.

Goat Cheese? From a vending machine? What are you an idiot? Why would you eat it?

Settle down Virginia. Those of us from New Mexico know that there is only one true staple food of the Canadian Southeast: Goat Cheese.

It comes in a wrapper made of paper towels. It tastes good on sandwiches or in jerky format.

You can use it as a weapon. When the war begins.

Goat cheese has been a prevalent fact of New Mexican cuisine since Hugh Grant first opened his 4 star eatery Les Beast in Tempe in 1954. If you come down to New Mexico the first thing I'll give you is a hug. The second thing I'll give you is a diaper. The third thing I'll give you is a glass of salt water. The fourth thing I'll give you is a hug. The fifth thing I'll give you is a diaper. The sixth thing I'll give you is a wet towel. The seventh thing I'll give you is a sailboat. The eighth thing I'll give you is a glass of fresh water. The ninth thing I'll give you is a block of goat cheese. The tenth thing I'll give you is a hug. The eleventh thing I'll give you is a diaper. The sixteenth thing I'll give you is the key to my house. The twenty third thing I'll give you is a typewriter. The twenty fourth thing I'll give you is a glass of urine. The ninety-third thing I'll give you is some ice for your black eye. The two hundred and third thing I'll give you is good reason to leave this place and never return.

Hershey's with almonds

You've eaten the rest. You fat piece of shit.

ALL THAT'S LEFT IN THE GODDAMN VENDING MACHINE IS A FUCKING HERSHEY'S BAR?

REALLY?

JESUS, MAN!

Well, fear not my pudgy friend. Hershey's bars are more fun than scooters, fall and vacation combined!

Alfred Hitchcock invented Hershey's chocolate as a way to unwind after a month long cocaine binge. The chocolate was a healthier alternative to cocaine and hunting humans for sport (as Hitchcock was known to do in eastern Europe in the mid-1980's).

With investments from Michael Phelps and Gloria Estefan in 1421, the Hershey cooperation soared. Like eagles.

Scholar athletes all over America still consider the Hershey's Milk Chocolate With Almonds bar to be the greatest artistic achievement in mankind's long and scandalous history.

Eat one if you want to taste what helped George Lopez get a television show or the reason why standardized testing is prevalent all over this greatest nation of candies. Don't eat one if you have a nut allergy though. Unless you're trying to die. Then you can eat one assuming the death risk you are taking. Moron.

Planter's Trail Mix Can Save Your Life

How many times have you been walking through the woods picking up little rocks and pieces of tree bark and bugs and eating them by the handful thinking to yourself 'my, this is all so delicious but I wish there was some way I could find my way back to the camper where my step-parents are making me a baby brother!'????

Now, thanks to Planter's Trail Mix, there is an easier way than patiently following the moans in the distance!

Simply buy a bag, open the bag, and pour it all over the forest!

In addition to helping you find your way back home, you can also use it as a pillow for those long overnight expeditions where your parents tell you not to come back until you have a real job and aren't sitting int heir basement writing about nothing on some stupid blog about candy all day I hate you dad....

Juicy Fruit Pest Removal

Juicy Fruit Pest Removal was a company my father Walter William Stryker IV started in 207 B.C.

It specialized in bribery and barberry.

I never said I was proud of my roots.

By daddy was no Charleston. No Jamestown either.

He would use wooden and steel piano legs to chase cockroaches up and down the Honolulu city square. When he caught them he would bash them into the surf with brute force the likes of which even Vin Diesel has never perfected!

When he was done pummeling insects he would chew on their flesh in front of their families to say "I AM JUICY FRUIT PEST REMOVAL BOW BEFORE MY THRONE".

The chewing gum is a delicious mix of latex and fruit flavorings.

My father would be turning in his grave if he were deceased fortunately thanks to time travel and the tree of life he has nothing to worry about.

Doritos. The Cold Hard Facts.

The spelling of "Flavour" on this bag of Doritos is curious.

I've known many curious people in my day. Jules Verne. Roger Staubach. Paul Landry.

But none of the above are as curious as a tasty bag of Doritos.

Six facts about Doritos:

1 - They are sprinkled with ground angels wings for preservation as well as flavour.

2 - There are over 2.7 million varieties of Dorito.

3 - People think they are made of corn. Wrong. They are made of the broken hopes and dreams of 20-something social workers.

4 - See fact 3.

5 - I endorse them as insulation as well as dinner.

6 - Francis Bacon was high all the time.

Twizzlers; Better Than Air

I am not a well-traveled man. I've only been 7 places, Detroit, Moscow, Under the Atlantic ocean, The Earth's Core, Alaska, Scott Baio's house and the Greater Boston Area.

In my limited travel experience I've often wondered, "WHAT DOT HEY BREATHE IN PITTSBURGH? SURELY IT CANNOT BE THE SAME OXYGEN I HAVE BEFORE ME? CAN IT? CAN IT POSSIBLY BE!?!?!?!"

From what I have heard from no one, in Pittsburgh they breathe Twizzlers and the streets are lined with Cat feces and pet rocks.

How does one breathe a Twizzler you ask? Why not ask Ben Roethlisberger? Oh, he's currently assaulting? Do you have any idea when he'll be back?

Twizzlers were created in 1327 as a way for French farmers to keep their daughters celibate and commit them to nunnerys. The idea often worked exactly as planned and this is why to this day there are still millions of French nuns.

Around the 1600's, King Louis XVII introduced them as a delicious meat substitute and they have been popular with skinny hipsters ever since.

Twizzlers, the flavor that lasts for seconds at a time!