Juicy Fruit Pest Removal

Juicy Fruit Pest Removal was a company my father Walter William Stryker IV started in 207 B.C.

It specialized in bribery and barberry.

I never said I was proud of my roots.

By daddy was no Charleston. No Jamestown either.

He would use wooden and steel piano legs to chase cockroaches up and down the Honolulu city square. When he caught them he would bash them into the surf with brute force the likes of which even Vin Diesel has never perfected!

When he was done pummeling insects he would chew on their flesh in front of their families to say "I AM JUICY FRUIT PEST REMOVAL BOW BEFORE MY THRONE".

The chewing gum is a delicious mix of latex and fruit flavorings.

My father would be turning in his grave if he were deceased fortunately thanks to time travel and the tree of life he has nothing to worry about.

Doritos. The Cold Hard Facts.

The spelling of "Flavour" on this bag of Doritos is curious.

I've known many curious people in my day. Jules Verne. Roger Staubach. Paul Landry.

But none of the above are as curious as a tasty bag of Doritos.

Six facts about Doritos:

1 - They are sprinkled with ground angels wings for preservation as well as flavour.

2 - There are over 2.7 million varieties of Dorito.

3 - People think they are made of corn. Wrong. They are made of the broken hopes and dreams of 20-something social workers.

4 - See fact 3.

5 - I endorse them as insulation as well as dinner.

6 - Francis Bacon was high all the time.

Twizzlers; Better Than Air

I am not a well-traveled man. I've only been 7 places, Detroit, Moscow, Under the Atlantic ocean, The Earth's Core, Alaska, Scott Baio's house and the Greater Boston Area.

In my limited travel experience I've often wondered, "WHAT DOT HEY BREATHE IN PITTSBURGH? SURELY IT CANNOT BE THE SAME OXYGEN I HAVE BEFORE ME? CAN IT? CAN IT POSSIBLY BE!?!?!?!"

From what I have heard from no one, in Pittsburgh they breathe Twizzlers and the streets are lined with Cat feces and pet rocks.

How does one breathe a Twizzler you ask? Why not ask Ben Roethlisberger? Oh, he's currently assaulting? Do you have any idea when he'll be back?

Twizzlers were created in 1327 as a way for French farmers to keep their daughters celibate and commit them to nunnerys. The idea often worked exactly as planned and this is why to this day there are still millions of French nuns.

Around the 1600's, King Louis XVII introduced them as a delicious meat substitute and they have been popular with skinny hipsters ever since.

Twizzlers, the flavor that lasts for seconds at a time!