Goat Cheese. New Mexico's Staple Food.

Goat Cheese? From a vending machine? What are you an idiot? Why would you eat it?

Settle down Virginia. Those of us from New Mexico know that there is only one true staple food of the Canadian Southeast: Goat Cheese.

It comes in a wrapper made of paper towels. It tastes good on sandwiches or in jerky format.

You can use it as a weapon. When the war begins.

Goat cheese has been a prevalent fact of New Mexican cuisine since Hugh Grant first opened his 4 star eatery Les Beast in Tempe in 1954. If you come down to New Mexico the first thing I'll give you is a hug. The second thing I'll give you is a diaper. The third thing I'll give you is a glass of salt water. The fourth thing I'll give you is a hug. The fifth thing I'll give you is a diaper. The sixth thing I'll give you is a wet towel. The seventh thing I'll give you is a sailboat. The eighth thing I'll give you is a glass of fresh water. The ninth thing I'll give you is a block of goat cheese. The tenth thing I'll give you is a hug. The eleventh thing I'll give you is a diaper. The sixteenth thing I'll give you is the key to my house. The twenty third thing I'll give you is a typewriter. The twenty fourth thing I'll give you is a glass of urine. The ninety-third thing I'll give you is some ice for your black eye. The two hundred and third thing I'll give you is good reason to leave this place and never return.

Hershey's with almonds

You've eaten the rest. You fat piece of shit.

ALL THAT'S LEFT IN THE GODDAMN VENDING MACHINE IS A FUCKING HERSHEY'S BAR?

REALLY?

JESUS, MAN!

Well, fear not my pudgy friend. Hershey's bars are more fun than scooters, fall and vacation combined!

Alfred Hitchcock invented Hershey's chocolate as a way to unwind after a month long cocaine binge. The chocolate was a healthier alternative to cocaine and hunting humans for sport (as Hitchcock was known to do in eastern Europe in the mid-1980's).

With investments from Michael Phelps and Gloria Estefan in 1421, the Hershey cooperation soared. Like eagles.

Scholar athletes all over America still consider the Hershey's Milk Chocolate With Almonds bar to be the greatest artistic achievement in mankind's long and scandalous history.

Eat one if you want to taste what helped George Lopez get a television show or the reason why standardized testing is prevalent all over this greatest nation of candies. Don't eat one if you have a nut allergy though. Unless you're trying to die. Then you can eat one assuming the death risk you are taking. Moron.

Planter's Trail Mix Can Save Your Life

How many times have you been walking through the woods picking up little rocks and pieces of tree bark and bugs and eating them by the handful thinking to yourself 'my, this is all so delicious but I wish there was some way I could find my way back to the camper where my step-parents are making me a baby brother!'????

Now, thanks to Planter's Trail Mix, there is an easier way than patiently following the moans in the distance!

Simply buy a bag, open the bag, and pour it all over the forest!

In addition to helping you find your way back home, you can also use it as a pillow for those long overnight expeditions where your parents tell you not to come back until you have a real job and aren't sitting int heir basement writing about nothing on some stupid blog about candy all day I hate you dad....