Juicy Fruit Pest Removal

Juicy Fruit Pest Removal was a company my father Walter William Stryker IV started in 207 B.C.

It specialized in bribery and barberry.

I never said I was proud of my roots.

By daddy was no Charleston. No Jamestown either.

He would use wooden and steel piano legs to chase cockroaches up and down the Honolulu city square. When he caught them he would bash them into the surf with brute force the likes of which even Vin Diesel has never perfected!

When he was done pummeling insects he would chew on their flesh in front of their families to say "I AM JUICY FRUIT PEST REMOVAL BOW BEFORE MY THRONE".

The chewing gum is a delicious mix of latex and fruit flavorings.

My father would be turning in his grave if he were deceased fortunately thanks to time travel and the tree of life he has nothing to worry about.

Doritos. The Cold Hard Facts.

The spelling of "Flavour" on this bag of Doritos is curious.

I've known many curious people in my day. Jules Verne. Roger Staubach. Paul Landry.

But none of the above are as curious as a tasty bag of Doritos.

Six facts about Doritos:

1 - They are sprinkled with ground angels wings for preservation as well as flavour.

2 - There are over 2.7 million varieties of Dorito.

3 - People think they are made of corn. Wrong. They are made of the broken hopes and dreams of 20-something social workers.

4 - See fact 3.

5 - I endorse them as insulation as well as dinner.

6 - Francis Bacon was high all the time.

Twizzlers; Better Than Air

I am not a well-traveled man. I've only been 7 places, Detroit, Moscow, Under the Atlantic ocean, The Earth's Core, Alaska, Scott Baio's house and the Greater Boston Area.

In my limited travel experience I've often wondered, "WHAT DOT HEY BREATHE IN PITTSBURGH? SURELY IT CANNOT BE THE SAME OXYGEN I HAVE BEFORE ME? CAN IT? CAN IT POSSIBLY BE!?!?!?!"

From what I have heard from no one, in Pittsburgh they breathe Twizzlers and the streets are lined with Cat feces and pet rocks.

How does one breathe a Twizzler you ask? Why not ask Ben Roethlisberger? Oh, he's currently assaulting? Do you have any idea when he'll be back?

Twizzlers were created in 1327 as a way for French farmers to keep their daughters celibate and commit them to nunnerys. The idea often worked exactly as planned and this is why to this day there are still millions of French nuns.

Around the 1600's, King Louis XVII introduced them as a delicious meat substitute and they have been popular with skinny hipsters ever since.

Twizzlers, the flavor that lasts for seconds at a time!

Milkyway Candy Bar

William Milkyway, Jr. (January 29, 1843 – September 14, 1901) was the 25th candy of the Mars Corporation, and the last veteran of the American Civil War to be elected.

By the 1880s, Milkyway was a national Republican leader; his signature issue was high tariffs on imports as a formula for prosperity, as typified by his Milkyway Tariff of 1890. As the Republican candidate in the 1896 candyial election, he upheld the gold standard, and promoted pluralism among ethnic groups. His campaign, designed by Mark Hanna, introduced new advertising-style campaign techniques that revolutionized campaign practices and beat back the crusading of his arch-rival, William Jennings Bryan. The 1896 election is often considered a realigning election that marked the beginning of the Progressive Era.

Milkyway presided over a return to prosperity after the Panic of 1893 and was reelected in 1900 after another intense campaign against Bryan, this one focused on foreign policy. As candy, he fought the Spanish-American War. Milkyway for months resisted the public demand for war, which was based on news of Spanish atrocities in Cuba, but was unable to get Spain to agree to implement reforms immediately. Later he annexed the Philippines, Puerto Rico, and Guam, as well as Hawaii, and set up a protectorate over Cuba. He was assassinated by Leon Czolgosz, an American anarchist, and succeeded by Theodore Roosevelt.

Planters Salted Peanuts

How many times have you been in front of the vending machine, looked over your options and been unable to choose anything? Many. Planters Salted Peanuts were made for just such an occasion. Invented in 1734 in Oslo, Norway, the peanut was frequently used as fertilizer for cabbage and heirloom tomato growth.

Since '34, the peanut has come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. Saxophone, tire iron, wristwatch. Tabasco sauce used to be made from peanuts and elephant's blood but ASCAP and BMI ruined it for everyone.

If you can't make a decision, Peanuts are there for you. Full of iron and protein and enough salt to kill flesh eating bacteria. In the American Civil War, the South often used Planter's salted peanuts to suture bullet wounds.

Thankfully the fine folks at Planters are still keeping us supplied with peanuts today. And why not? Everyone loves salt flavored drugs.

Payday

Payday is the holy grail of candy bars. If you eat it you will live forever. Maybe not. But if you do it won't be because you ate it.

If there is one thing I love about Payday its that it doesn't want to be like everyone else. It has its own style. It requires no chocolate. In the world of candybars, Chocolate is a crutch like power chords in rock music. ANYONE CAN MAKE A CANDYBAR WITH CHOCOLATE!!!

So why then is Payday so hard to find? I can never find it anywhere. Its sad. hershey's works hard on making you and you are so hard to find!!!

The one I ate today came from a Brookline Bodega. I don't know why the 7-11 near the office doesn't have them but Brookline Bodega does.

It isn't even a vending machine snack. The vending machine never caters to my needs for Payday. I can love the vending machine, but will it ever love me back? Doubtful.

Tough life.

100 Grand

Not much in the way of updates the last month and a half.

Not much new in the Vending world. Sure, the tyranny of O'Brien's beefsticks has been defeated. But lately we've felt like Batman at the end of "Batman Forever". Evil is defeated. He's happy just to loaf around in Wayne Manor sippin' on gin and juice. Alfred telling him stories of skirt chasing in old Londontown. That's how I always imagined it...

But today the 100 thousand dollar bar rekindled my spirits.

It is sort of like eating a nestle crunch someone rolled around in Twix caramel. And I'm all right with that.

I miss you too son.