Some people think that eating parsley after a meal will help make their breath not smell like onions and dead animal flesh. This is a myth. The Mayans proved it in 1957 (the very same year they created the original theme park: tortureland in South Carolina) by forcing thousands of seagulls to eat the remnants of baby diapers and then parsley. The parsley did not improve the baby shit breath of the seagulls. They were still birds. But thumbtacks? Well, when a control group of seagulls were fed thumbtacks, they died instantly and their breath was of no concern.
This experiment was a watershed moment for the modern American vending machine.
Americans eat more thumbtacks per year than any other civilization. I would add a footnote to that fact if there were any point in arguing its validity. Simply put, from Arkansas to Texarkana, Americans love Thumbtacks. The sharp taste, the bloody aftertaste, the broken teeth and the gasping for air are what we are known for.
In the vending machine here, you can order thumb tacks or their flat-chested cousin, push pins.
There are some things worth eating. And others worth avoiding. Thumbtacks certainly fall into one of those categories.
1 comment:
This reminds me of my first thumbtack. I was being choked by an umbilical cord when Child Protective Services took me away. I was three years old. They cut the umbilical cord and carried me away.
I remember crying as we drove away from my mother, who was coiling the umbilical cord around our garden hose carrier in the distance.
Seeing how upset I was, one of the agents pulled out a thumbtack and placed in my hand. "Cheer up, son" he said. I swallowed it, and as it pierced my esophagus, I was whole again.
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